|My new babies by alberto guardiani|
Btw 3 years ago a friend of mine asked me to think about a life changing hypothesis(by him) about me "ceka, what if you're born to be like this(made a circle in the air, read:fat), and no matter how hard you try to "fix" it, you're born this way(yes lady gaga stole his words)". I was a lil bit shock when i heard his hypothesis about me, yes he's a science student and he's petite. I proofed him wrong when i lose 20 kilos in a year but then i gained em all back in 3 months and i lose 22.5 kg + made my own size 6 prom dress. It felt amazing at that time, i gained control! I lose 4 more kg and transformed myself without any personal trainer etc into a 175cm size 4 figure. Only a few of my close high school friends know that I was a big fat 12-14 years old hulk(junior high) and i lose 25 kg before i entered my new high school. I lose almost 70ish kg in total but i also lose my happy childhood and teenage life because of my strict diet plan, self-hating, etc...
A couple of months ago, when i saw the anti bullying campaign by anastasia siantar , clara devi and many more. I knew that I'm one of them, a victim of many bullies for almost 2 decades of my life.
I'm a happy 3 years old back then, i was fat and chubby but happy. My life began to change when i was 5 years old, wasn't the brightest student in my kindergarten but i was the tallest one. Kids were mean(especially boys) they called me fat, the BIG etc. They squeezed my heart a little bit but i never thought that i'll grew so much taller than them and they continued to give me more nicknames for 6 years of my primary school life. I was the ugly duckling but my wall of self-defense grew too, as tall as my height at that time. I fought a lot with all of the boys, i made one or two of them cried. I felt terrible about it, but i really need to show them who's the boss and to make them know how to be humiliated in front of the entire class. I played both roles back then the bully and also the victim.
In my first year of junior high school life, i moved to an international school, i was the underdog, too many beautiful and skinny girls there. I met a few of good people though, there were some of misunderstanding here and there , junior high drama etc, i tried to be as friendly as i could but I became the most possessive lover back in my junior high, maybe i was too young, maybe he's a jerk, but most of all i knew that i really need somebody to appreciate who i really was(i will never ever be that girl anymore)
I didn't really remember when was this moment happened but my mom told me that she almost aborted me when i was a little fetus inside her, it's not her fault because i was the biggest surprise in her life 20 years ago. btw I have the most perfect older sister i could ever have,she's petite, pretty, skinny, GENIUS(she got her cumlaud degree earlier this month). She and i were like the heaven and hell back then.I love her, i adore her(and i LOVE her the most now!) but i have 3 siblings and i was the ordinary middle child. Once again, i was the ugly duckling of the family. My mom and dad sometimes could be the worst bullies ever. They thought that those words are tough love but for me they were NOT. Dear moms and dads, please use nice words, we don't need those sugar coated words but negativity will never work out either. Everybody called me fat, ugly, hideous, fiona in ogre version of shrek, king kong, gorilla, mother gori, godzilla, big, and many more (YES many more), I thought that they really had to stop calling me with those names and i lost 25 kg AND 1 kidney as the biggest result of their constant bully and finally they accepted me as "me". oh they also called me anorexic when i was thin and too fat to be true when i gained a few pounds.That was the story behind my reaction to a friend of mine 3 years ago. Dear friends, readers and anon nobody's perfect and to point out one's weaknesses in order to make your pathetic self feel and look good isn't the right thing to do. I scale myself every single day of my life and a part of me is dying everytime i gained more weight. I lost one kidney and my teenage life as the result of your "tough love" people, what if... a friend of yours lost(literally) his/her life because of you? Oh yeah to be an anon with a sugar coated bad intention will only make you feel worst about yourself too, stop it. be kind to one another and be happy! I'm proud to say that i accomplished many things that I've never imagine, I'm pursuing my own happiness now, i really believe that God gave me a chance to live in order to make a difference and you pretty people love yourself and life will love you back! I really am sorry for all bad things that i've done and for this longest post of mine. *hug