A lot of you asked me to describe my school outfit, and maybe this post explain everything from head to toe, minus my laptop, and big bag of course, and if i was in a rush, i'll change my heels with my favorite sneakers. Black is a happy color! no? put your black top with your perfectly fitted skinny jeans to make yourself look taller and skinnier!
Speaking of perfect fit, lately I've been thinking a lot about what other's think about me, what do you think about me? what do you think about yourselves? I always feel like an outcast, i can only fit in and feel save in a small group of people. People might think that i'm an extrovert, yes i have friends and business acquaintances but deep inside i sometimes feel like i'm alone. Most of the time i prefer to spend the rest of my holiday in my room, munching those chocolate chip cookies, watch American horror story and blog.OH! I have a funny story, two days ago, i decide to go out and have a great night with my indonesian friends, they were in shock when i said i want to go to a club, i just want to put my crazy heels and dance that's all, i want to celebrate my successful exam (at least i think i made it this time), but oh God after we hang out, my friends wanted to try this new club and after a super long walk in a freezing weather... the effin club was closed. OMG right! Maybe i need to have some rest and talk with you guys rather than spend my night elsewhere *cry*.
Since i already finish my exam, i will share my long overdue life story with you.Are you ready?
From the "why cindy" face that i saw more than one time, i definitely assume that some people think that i'm weird, and maybe i think i am? I'm easily distracted and i'm one of those people who will pay attention to the sampling and background music more than the actual song that my friends played for me to listen. I could start a whole different conversation and jump into another topic while my other conversation was not ended yet. I don't know what's wrong with me but my mind travels faster than others i guess, i will absorb everything and my melancholic soul will took everything that anyone said to me straight to the deepest corner of my heart. I hold grudge, and i will always remember how someone made me feel a few years ago eventhough they try to be nice to me today. That's the side i want to erase for sure. But i can easily accept everybody, i can be friends with a lot of people from different group of age and i don't think skin color/sexual preferences could make me think differently about my new friends.
Someone ask me what will i do if i know a friend of mine is gay/lesbian, and i was confused... am i suppose to feel anything different? Because that's just not an issue for me. I respect everybody's lifestyle as long as they're not mean, talk behind my back or they're an assassin. It's a plus point if they have or love pugs and shoes as much as i do though! I don't care who they are or they're family background etc, and you people should not judge a person and feel highly about yourselves just because you sin differently.
I hate those who think highly about themselves. Honey you have MeanGirls syndrome!
You're a virgin, you don't smoke, you never see drugs in the flesh, you say no to alcohol then you're not cool enough. If your definition of cool is as shallow as those things above, you need another hobby babe.I'm allergic to alcohol and i only have one perfect kidney left so i really want to have a super long life without a weekly doctor appointment for the rest of my life. i rather not drink because i need to survive rather than be cool today and be gone a 10 years later. I don't smoke because my father used to smoke and he has a really complicated heart and lungs problems since 10 years ago. He went to several surgeries already and i don't want to make the same mistake, BUT i never judge someone just because they love to drink or smoke or have fun while they still can! It's their own business and you people should know that we came from different places, different family background and we raise differently but we can be friends by accepting other's flaw and respect their life decision. We can occasionally give them advices but it's their life anyway, let them be themselves.
The other question that y'all ask a few times is "Why can't i fit in?"
1. Change your high school gang mentality
You can't fit in to a certain group of people and its normal, a lot of people have the same situation too! You can't please everyone and if you're not popular in high school and you really want to be the center of attention or become a leader of a gang, you need to MOVE ON . Never waste your time to be the cool kid of highschool when you're in college already, you're a grown up now. Be a leader else where, you can have a super productive company and you can be a CEO if your dream was to be a leader. Your obsession needs to be "useful" for your future, become a leader of a gang was not useful in my honest oppinion, unless you're a yakuza or mafia or something, than.... i salute you. *peace*
2.Open your mind and give yourselves some options and respect
You're stuck right now, you're trying to hard to fit in in a group of people that you consider better than yourself,they're your role model and you need to be a part of something special in order to be special. LISTEN! You're special already, i know you don't even consider yourself as normal right now and special is too far to reach but if you open your mind and look around, maybe there's a group of people who will accept you as who you really are, respect yourself. Be in a circle of people who respect you. Maybe you don't belong to a specific group because you have the ability to be in different groups at the same time. You have something that no one have, and it's good! You're not a mediocre, before you search for the best group you need to search for the real you, the best of yourself, find your inner strength and built up your confidence level. You might be a leader and not a follower. Give yourself some credit, you might be an underdog years ago but this is life, sometimes you're in the highest point of your life, but you can also be in the lowest and deepest hole of your life. Respect others, because they will or will not help you when you're in the lowest just because of your behavior when you're in the highest.
3. Low communication skill/ self-esteem VS you're too proud
Ah i think i have a low communication skill when it comes to a new group of people, i'm so afraid and too timid to say hi, i don't know what to talk about and when i think i do, i can't stop talking about one boring topic over and over again and i don't know why. I panic easily and my teacher gave me a good advice in my last exam, she said that i need to act cool and to not to stressed over little things. Now i know, not only i stressed about my school stuff i often stressed about the reaction of people when they meet me for the first time. That's why i prefer to be alone in my room, or to play save by having a small circle. I always seperate myself from a huge group of people and my boyfriend and chiko will be my save circle, i know they'll love me no matter what. but I will not grow and i'm in my 20s, i realized i need to grow up, i need to let go of those things in the past. People used to give me mean nick names, as a victim of bullying, deep inside i never feel that i could be normal, i always feel that people will laugh behind my back and everytime i hear a group of people giggling, i always assume that they're talking mean things about me. I need to reboot my brain system and i need to make peace with myself. Dear precious creatures, your not alone, let's do this together :) *grouphug*
In another hand, i have a friend here who prefer to be alone because he thinks that he's the best and everyone wants to bring him down, he thinks that all of his friends are fake and only want something from him. If you're as negative as him, remember, no matter how beautiful, smart, clever, rich, wise you are.... there's Beyonce in this world and you're nothing compare to her... People will be as negative as you think above only if you're Beyonce or Jay-Z. So stop being too proud of yourself, Just say no to the things that you don't want to share or do, but you'll need help sometimes. You need someone who will borrow you her eraser or scissors during exam day. So chill... we're all the same and we need to be kind to one another.
I hope you read everything above and maybe you could feel less lonely, we can get through this and I'm still learning too! Have a nice weekend precious creatures. ciao ciao *kiss from milan*